by Alexandra Naughton
YOU'RE THE MAIN CHARACTER, SO ACT LIKE IT
note: this is a spell to say outloud while sitting on the floor in your bedroom. it does not matter if there is clutter or discarded clothing surrounding you, as you will have your eyes closed, but you may choose to tidy up first if you are easily distracted. the key is to clear your mind so you can properly focus. you may also choose to light some jasmine incense to set a mood and prepare for new beginnings.
let’s bring it in. let’s invite it in.
let’s close our eyes and focus on the single thought of it inside. see it feeling around. making itself at home. seeping into the corners. filling all the little spaces. changing the chemistry. readjusting the balance.
open. it. up. to. let. it. in.
let’s get into it. get it into it. finding forgotten things.
let it take over, let it be, let it live, let it thrive.
let it make the choices. let it create the scenarios that we react to.
let it make its way through a room full of people standing in groups and talking loudly. let it show no signs of discomfort.
let’s let it know that it’s the main character now. this is their version of the story. this is their world and we’re just witnessing everything. because we let it lead. because we let it in.
let’s let it frame the moments so that it can be the hero. let it restructure reality without too much of a fuss because it doesn’t matter anyway, because the value isn’t there, because we never take the time to analyze, because we are afraid to speak, because we don’t want to be upsetting or unpleasant, because we’ve heard that before, because we have a formula that mostly works, because it feels right to be in their moment, because we weren’t taught better, because we watch too much tv and act like we’re in a sitcom, because no one really knows what they’re doing but we’re sure that everyone else is faking it better, because happiness doesn’t seem real, because we get so wrapped up in fiction that we get disappointed with the regular so we go out not really looking for drama but opening ourselves to the possibility of it, because sometimes we just have to do reckless shit to feel alive, because we’ve read enough old books and know that people have been preoccupied by the same problems forever, because we’re seared, because we don’t want this to be all there is, because we know we can die anywhere, because we’re used to it, because we know nothing is guaranteed, and not because we let it, but in spite of it.
EAT RED MEAT, SMOKE WEED, RIDE YOUR BIKE, PLAY HOOKIE, THE END IS COMING SOONER THAN U THINK
note: this is a spell to say outloud when you are alone in your underwear while washing your floors and baseboards with water and vinegar
pretty cool how i didn’t ask for any of this
how i was doing just fine on my own
how i wasn’t looking for anything like this
how i was genuinely enjoying my alone time
how i was feeling really okay by myself
how i was feeling like i was growing
how i felt like i didn’t need anyone
pretty cool that i picked up all the warning signs and disregarded them anyway
like it’s pretty cool that i allowed this to happen
like it’s pretty cool that i realized what was happening and thought,
well life is about taking chances
pretty cool how i didn’t want to let you in but still opened myself up a little but because i thought you deserved a chance
because everyone deserves a chance
because life is doing things that might fuck you
pretty cool how you charmed me and i allowed myself to be charmed
pretty cool how i ate it all up knowing it would make me sick later
pretty cool how i let this kind of thing happen but i am getting better at preserving myself
pretty cool how i’m just a nice catholic girl who loves god and her cat and you saw that and said to yourself i’m going to go in and fuck her shit up
pretty cool how i’m going to walk away from this feeling proud that i didn’t let you all the way in
pretty cool how you won’t know how good i am, how truly good i am
pretty cool
****
Alexandra Naughton is a writer, publisher, and literary events producer based in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. She is the founder of Be About It Press, established in 2010, and the co-host of the Bring A Blanket reading series. She is the author of a memoir and several poetry collections including most recently Sick of Being Inside Myself via House of Vlad Press.